Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
