we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
