I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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