the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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