I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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