Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
