if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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