When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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