I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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