Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize