You smell like a Billy Joel song
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
