She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
