A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she pinky promised me she was 18
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
