My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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