that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
