we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
