best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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