There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
