he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
