How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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