i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
