I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize