So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
