It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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