apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
