Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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