Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Pants are for mortals
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
