My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
