Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
