Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
