I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
