Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize