Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
