Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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