Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You are a genius and a whore.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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