but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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