I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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