I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
