remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he thought i was a dude.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
