I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
