That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
