I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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