I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You did what with his pubic hair?
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