Ambien. No doubt about it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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