Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
