Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
