I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
