If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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