A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
