i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
