What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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