please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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