so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
