i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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