was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
